Mesquite November 2009

Day 1  Up and at ‘em!

3:45am Wednesday 11^th November 2009 – time to get up for another round of SC’s endurance.Is it Elvis or is it Elvis’ Dad – no it’s Bill Carpenter wearing his latest fashion accessory, glittery guitar glasses.  There was no doubting our party’s destination. Just the job for Vegas!

All aboard and we must be ready for take-off as Kirky’s already fast asleep yet most of us are nattering away about the forthcoming “Ryder Cup” with old scores to settle. For those who wanted to start gambling early, there were even slot machines littered throughout the car hire concourse just outside the airport.  They certainly like to grab every last $.

In no time at all we arrive at The Casablanca Casino Resort Hotel at Mesquite. On entering the hotel we are confronted by a wall of slots and gaming tables surrounded by a cacophony of sound including sirens, bells, tills opening etc. Not the place to come for a religious retreat!

We all meet in the bar following a quick unload for our first beer on site.  Mick declares that he was disappointed with the scenery during our road trip from Vegas to Mesquite and that his first impression of the USA was a little disappointing. Almost in unison the other 11 in the party retorted: “What do you expect to see in the desert…. the hanging gardens of Babylon?”

Day 2  Falcon Ridge, Mesquite – Ryder Cup Pairs Competition

The course was fantastic and although not a desert course it has been well crafted out of the local terrain. It proved to be extremely hilly with excellent greens. There was a little breeze on this, our first golfing day, and whilst walking up the 4^th fairway I was overtaken by a ball of tumbleweed trundling merrily onwards.  That doesn’t happen in Formby, we must be in the Wild West! By the way, just for the record, the Scouser Pairs beat the Rest of the World Pairs 3-0!

We all dined in Gregory’s Restaurant at the Eureka Resort Hotel which is a mirror image of our hotel so we may as well have stayed in. Readers beware: don’t ever try and rush Biggsy through any meal ‘coz he’ll rip your head off just as he verbally decapitated our genial Maitre’D at Gregorys!

Day 3  Coral Canyon, Utah – Ryder Cup Singles Competition

Having driven in 3 states and experiencing a 1 hour time difference we arrived at a true desert golf course – boulders, scrub, and panoramic views of ridges in the distance but first we needed our jumpers!  Just 30 miles north of Mesquite and the early start surprised us all with how cool it was.  A great course with an abundance of wildlife such as roadrunners and chipmunks but no snakes.

I think Colin and Kirky chose to strategically drop a couple of points to avoid a complete whitewash of the Rest of the World. Final result 7-2 and the Scousers were looking forward to a free Dinner that evening at the local Chinese in Mesquite.

Day 4  Casablanca Course, Mesquite – Day 1 of Tour Singles Competition

Despite the inauspicious approach to the course this did not detract from an excellent venue.  Tight in places but probably giving our hackers the best chance of ramping up some decent scores.  Alan (where’s my sombrero) Davies certainly took advantage and came in with an impressive 39 points. The range of scoring was fairly close (5other players within 8 points) which, with 2 more rounds to complete, gave everyone a chance.

Day 5  Free Day

5 lads went to Las Vegas for the day to soak in the sights and do some shopping. 2 lads stayed at base and pampered themselves. 5 lads went to Zion National Park and took in some amazing canyon views.

We all met back at Casablanca and enjoyed an evening of $1.50 beers. The resident band found out we were from Liverpool and despite us all wanting to hit the sack we felt duty bound to stay and listen to the Beatles medley that they performed in our honour.

Day 6  Wolf Creek, Mesquite – Day 2 of Tour Singles Competition

I do not have sufficient adjectives in my vocabulary to describe this monster of a course. Chiselled out of a canyon, perfectly manicured tees, fairways and greens presented themselves at every hole.  The only problem was hitting them.  All boundaries of the fairways were off limits so any balls straying had to be forfeit. As a result of this throughout the course were pockets of golf balls that had gathered in recesses in the landscape. Poor Mick had to be restrained from harvesting them. Too many stories to tell but the pictures (see gallery) say it all.  Ridges, gullies, canyons, water, wild creatures – it had it all. (not to mention the lone wolf at the 6^th).

This sorted the men from the boys and we were left with 2 runaway leaders going into the final round, namely Mick and Nello. Sadly, there is no photograph to record the look on Mark’s face when he found out he was going to be in the bottom group and therefore out first on our last day!  He was entering unchartered territory.

Day 7  Oasis, Palmer Course – The Meteoric Collapse

Another remarkable course once the disappointing first 2 holes were behind us. Once again, greatly elevated tees driving into tight canyons sorted the men from the boys. Not quite as majestic as Wolf Creek but a course that could be attacked. That is unless you are prone to crumbling! It is with sincere regret that we must report the catastrophic demise of our erstwhile joint-leader, Mick.  Mick managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and finish a lowly 5^th leaving Nello (I don’t believe it) to become the runaway winner.

The tour took turns to keep on eye on Mick and didn’t mention the word Oasis until we were safely home.

All packed, we set off for Vegas.  Thanks to Bill, we had our last night out west in the famous Excalibur Hotel right on the strip. Vegas has a façade that is seen and possibly envied throughout the world.  Scratch away the veneer and it doesn’t match up to its hype. Some of us ate at Caesars Palace, Mesa Grill Restaurant, great food with great prices to match. Back at Excalibur, bodies were weary and nearly everyone was tucked up in bed by midnight. That is except for the 2 high rollers of the tour, Nello and Phil or Numbers 1 and 2 in the tour competition. They decided to stay up and gamble their golf winnings at the Blackjack table.

3am and it was time to get some shut-eye.

Our last breakfast Stateside and a group took the opportunity to eat at Hooters Hotel. Sadly, rather than an ample bodied beauty we were served by someone who had retired from the cast of Golden Girls! The food was pretty nasty as well.

Time to hand back the SUV and enjoy 10 hours of coughing and spluttering within the confined space of the aircraft with economic use of fresh oxygen. A breedingground forjustabout every bug known to man as many on the tour will testify.  Kirky’s asleep, it must be time to take off.

Post Script – it should be considered that for any future tour, the teams for the Ryder Cup competition should be more fairly distributed.  The Scousers have proven, yet again, that they are better so perhaps the teams should be ordered from the society standings at the month prior to the tour. The teams can then vote on who should be their playing Captain etc. The writer does not think it is fair to continue with any further humiliation of the Rest of the World!

P.Draper

Final Scores - Ryder Cup

Final Scores - Stableford 3 rounds

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Why Golf is Better than Sex

1. A below par performance is considered good.

2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

3. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

4. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

5. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. Three times a day is possible.

7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

8. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

11. If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique

12. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

13. It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger

14. There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease

15. Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

Pro Shop Calls

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 pounds.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy
a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow
between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 pounds.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 pounds after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?